Post by lynnthetwin53 on Feb 1, 2023 21:37:15 GMT -5
June 2 2022
The Pull
I’m being pulled in 2 different directions.
I want to curl up on the couch and never leave the house for how much it hurts being away from you. Sit and stare out the window and think about all the other lives I could be living with you. Cry to Phoebe Bridgers and pretend to be a girl from one of those sad romance films. They always end up together though, don’t they? The good ones do, at least. Thinking about you is as close as I’ll get for the time being.
But there’s a strange beauty in feeling this way.
It makes me want to scream and dance until I collapse. Drive all over the city listening to our songs with the windows down for hours. Sometimes I am so happy I think I’ll burst. You make me feel like I can do anything. Like WE can do anything.
I’ve never felt this intensely before. I don’t know what to do with myself - how to deal with the duality of loving someone so far away. It’s pretty pointless. To get so worked up over something that will soon be within reach. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that you chose me. You chose to pick up and move your life to be here with me.
Perhaps there’s still a part of me that doesn’t feel worthy of you. Of feeling these emotions that threaten to overtake me.
I spent most of my life trying to convince guys to love me. I wanted to feel like I meant something to them and could actually make an impact. Now that I finally have that, it’s a little overwhelming. I don’t want to do anything to mess it up or drive you away. Prove that I was right after all and don’t deserve this love.
I’m being pulled in 2 different directions.
There’s this absurd desire to sabotage my chance at happiness with you. Just disappear and leave myself believing it wouldn’t have worked anyway. I had it coming eventually. We haven’t made it work, not really, all these years, so what makes now any different? Why would you want to be with ME? A messed up girl with emotions she doesn’t know how to handle and attachment tendencies that always seem to hurt her.
And deep down? I’m terrified that I was a fallback option. That I was the only one left after the storms passed, with my hair blown back from the wind and cheeks red, and only then looked appealing to you. You would never tell me that, of course. That’s a horrible thing to tell a person. And it probably isn’t true but a part of me thinks about it.
I also want to believe that all this worrying is for nothing. We will be okay. More than okay. You will move here and we’ll both finally be happy. We’ll wonder why it took so long for us to find each other.
We won’t be alone anymore.
I think about what it’ll be like, coming over after work to make dinner together and going to the movies on the weekends. Telling each other all about our lives - the good and the bad. Losing out clothes in vacant rooms and falling more in love.
I wonder if you think about these things too. Or if I’m shouldering the overthinking for the both of us.
No matter what happens, I am so lucky to be living this life with you, my dear. We were meant to be in this place and time. I wish I could see our high school selves watching us now. They would be pretty amazed. It was always a dream in the back of my mind to end up with you by my side. Keep pulling, my love - I think you’re winning.
The Pull
I’m being pulled in 2 different directions.
I want to curl up on the couch and never leave the house for how much it hurts being away from you. Sit and stare out the window and think about all the other lives I could be living with you. Cry to Phoebe Bridgers and pretend to be a girl from one of those sad romance films. They always end up together though, don’t they? The good ones do, at least. Thinking about you is as close as I’ll get for the time being.
But there’s a strange beauty in feeling this way.
It makes me want to scream and dance until I collapse. Drive all over the city listening to our songs with the windows down for hours. Sometimes I am so happy I think I’ll burst. You make me feel like I can do anything. Like WE can do anything.
I’ve never felt this intensely before. I don’t know what to do with myself - how to deal with the duality of loving someone so far away. It’s pretty pointless. To get so worked up over something that will soon be within reach. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that you chose me. You chose to pick up and move your life to be here with me.
Perhaps there’s still a part of me that doesn’t feel worthy of you. Of feeling these emotions that threaten to overtake me.
I spent most of my life trying to convince guys to love me. I wanted to feel like I meant something to them and could actually make an impact. Now that I finally have that, it’s a little overwhelming. I don’t want to do anything to mess it up or drive you away. Prove that I was right after all and don’t deserve this love.
I’m being pulled in 2 different directions.
There’s this absurd desire to sabotage my chance at happiness with you. Just disappear and leave myself believing it wouldn’t have worked anyway. I had it coming eventually. We haven’t made it work, not really, all these years, so what makes now any different? Why would you want to be with ME? A messed up girl with emotions she doesn’t know how to handle and attachment tendencies that always seem to hurt her.
And deep down? I’m terrified that I was a fallback option. That I was the only one left after the storms passed, with my hair blown back from the wind and cheeks red, and only then looked appealing to you. You would never tell me that, of course. That’s a horrible thing to tell a person. And it probably isn’t true but a part of me thinks about it.
I also want to believe that all this worrying is for nothing. We will be okay. More than okay. You will move here and we’ll both finally be happy. We’ll wonder why it took so long for us to find each other.
We won’t be alone anymore.
I think about what it’ll be like, coming over after work to make dinner together and going to the movies on the weekends. Telling each other all about our lives - the good and the bad. Losing out clothes in vacant rooms and falling more in love.
I wonder if you think about these things too. Or if I’m shouldering the overthinking for the both of us.
No matter what happens, I am so lucky to be living this life with you, my dear. We were meant to be in this place and time. I wish I could see our high school selves watching us now. They would be pretty amazed. It was always a dream in the back of my mind to end up with you by my side. Keep pulling, my love - I think you’re winning.