Have You Been Taking Care of Yourself?

[thatonegirl]

Yeah, i’ve been taking care of myself

Taking care in a sinister way
Taking care of it
Cleaning up my messes but in a sinister way
Or more like covering up my messes so no one else knows about them but the boss
I am the mess cover-upper and the boss
Boss me is so sinister
She doesn’t let anything get by him
He is also me
I am so much stronger than myself
The stronger me is so sinister
She comes up to me and puts a gun to my head gun to my head gun gun gun gun
No that me is he
Only men kill themselves with guns
Is something I tell myself
As I drift off again into a day dream of slitting my wrists with a box cutter
At work in the basement
In a park under a tree
At home in the bathtub
At home in the big storage closet where we keep the outdoor furniture cushions
The outdoor furniture cushions are red
In Lake Huron
The St. Lawrence
Georgian Bay
Water is important to wash away the blood
Chasing that feeling of consciousness finally slipping away
Chasing the end of all these stupid me’s
The scene in the Bell Jar that made me throw up with disgust and envy when she goes into the crawl space to die
But they find her
I’m her too
And the people who find her
That’s me- the one reading and wishing for that end
That me is so sinister
So sinister

[anonplanthopper]

This poem was powerful. Hope you’re doing better.