Post by amynon on May 7, 2011 2:02:37 GMT -5
Lost - Sometimes, to Some
I have been feeling awful for days. You don't notice. i have either gone to bed very early or can't sleep and gone to bed very late . . . you don't notice. Are we simply a partnership connected by a house, meals and children? Where are we? I try to talk to you - you're too tired, don't want to talk, can we talk later? There is no later. Doesn't matter when. I exhaust you, the kids exhaust you, money exhausts you. Ooh, a spike in silver, you spring to life! It's not me, it's not our children or our life really. It's just silver.
I get excited about something, something for once other than a grocery or personal care freebie or watching one of the girls master something new actually excites me - but whatever that is exhausts you - so we can't talk about it. Not only can we not talk about it, but as soon as I mention it (clearly joyful) - you wince (a whine without sound) and maybe groan - so horrible, why am I torturing you with this? So many of the things that get me going drain you. So many of the things that get you going drain me. Except the kids. They are always beautiful.
I don't know how you are sometimes. I don't understand, can't imagine. We are so different, sometimes good, sometimes bad.
I try to be a good wife, I know I'm a great mom, I am usually a good person. I don't have any major drama moments most of the time. There is nothing greatly wrong with me. I think I think catastrophically different than most, most of the time. However, I am not noticed. I will always be, I may have my feelings sometimes, but I will always be. I like to expose my greatness in quiet ways - apparently to some quiet enough to be nonexistent ways. It's not there. Who cares to explore under the surface? Not many. Maybe not those who love me most - except me, I know it's there. I have faith in that, and I love that.
Sometimes I think my children are small enough, uninfluenced enough, innocent enough that they see me so clearly - they know. We share this together - instinctual knowing of each of our greatnesses and it makes my universe sing. I love to sing. Can't hold a note to save my life, but I love to sing, with my girls.
I have been feeling awful for days. You don't notice. i have either gone to bed very early or can't sleep and gone to bed very late . . . you don't notice. Are we simply a partnership connected by a house, meals and children? Where are we? I try to talk to you - you're too tired, don't want to talk, can we talk later? There is no later. Doesn't matter when. I exhaust you, the kids exhaust you, money exhausts you. Ooh, a spike in silver, you spring to life! It's not me, it's not our children or our life really. It's just silver.
I get excited about something, something for once other than a grocery or personal care freebie or watching one of the girls master something new actually excites me - but whatever that is exhausts you - so we can't talk about it. Not only can we not talk about it, but as soon as I mention it (clearly joyful) - you wince (a whine without sound) and maybe groan - so horrible, why am I torturing you with this? So many of the things that get me going drain you. So many of the things that get you going drain me. Except the kids. They are always beautiful.
I don't know how you are sometimes. I don't understand, can't imagine. We are so different, sometimes good, sometimes bad.
I try to be a good wife, I know I'm a great mom, I am usually a good person. I don't have any major drama moments most of the time. There is nothing greatly wrong with me. I think I think catastrophically different than most, most of the time. However, I am not noticed. I will always be, I may have my feelings sometimes, but I will always be. I like to expose my greatness in quiet ways - apparently to some quiet enough to be nonexistent ways. It's not there. Who cares to explore under the surface? Not many. Maybe not those who love me most - except me, I know it's there. I have faith in that, and I love that.
Sometimes I think my children are small enough, uninfluenced enough, innocent enough that they see me so clearly - they know. We share this together - instinctual knowing of each of our greatnesses and it makes my universe sing. I love to sing. Can't hold a note to save my life, but I love to sing, with my girls.