Gray

[lucky]

I've lied to myself and everyone around me,
Every step I take brings me to a darker place
I finally figured out why it is I struggle so deeply
Why the pain hurts the most
I hear the voice of my love calling me
I feel my love's presence near
My love warns me of the coming danger
Of what I am doing
The path I have chosen
My love's influence is strong
My love thinks of me all the time
Yet I have the audacity to turn love away
To accept the dark things instead of the amazing
To choose to live in a gray world
Where deception runs rampant
The conscience does not live here
The earth beneath is carried away on a wind
There is no life here
But yet...
The time it takes to throw myself away
Could be spent getting my act together
Where is this love that I knew?
How do I find it again?
And if I found it would I recognize it for what it is?
Or would it fade away
Would I turn it away at the door of my heart?
Having done so before
I feel like the angel who was cast down
His heart grew prideful and he was obsessed with his own power
He fell like lightning from heaven
I have the gene
Fading is the name of the game
Why do I choose death?
I ask for freedom from this prison
Yet I keep asking for the keys
So I may lock myself into my cell
Deep in the comfort of these cold, hard walls
Where light does not reach
Where I cannot grow past my limits
Like a bird who clips its own wings
Really...
It hurts because someone still loves me
Because someone is out there waiting to pick me up again
Even knowing what I am
It is not just one thing that nails me down
Its a slew of things that have entrapped me
Lies strewn into a beautiful net
Aimed at disarming, and humiliating
That is the name of the game