Post by Restless on Jul 25, 2003 18:48:35 GMT -5
Suddenly as I saw my reflection in the mirror today, I felt a fleeting feeling of sadness wash over me as I remembered the love I once shared with my husband. It had been three years since John and I divorced, and I hadn’t fully recovered from the state of betrayal he had left me in. During the years before our divorce I had tried blaming him for all of his infidelities, but I see now that it took two of us to destroy our marriage. I, being a workaholic by nature, drowned myself in my work when times were difficult. He tended to drown his sorrows in a different way. The passion we once shared was inevitably fading as I worked later at the university and our fights became more and more frequent. I can still hear him now; “Rene, you run from us and we are all that matters!” he would shout as I scurried in at 10:00 p.m. from my office. “You are burying yourself in your work to avoid our problems!” As usual, I would bolt for my study, close the door and just sit in silence. Back then I didn’t realize that I was afraid of confrontation because I was avoiding my feelings. I was afraid to tell him I was fearful our love was disappearing into thin air. So instead of letting him in: I pushed him aside and buried myself in my career. I honestly admit now that it wasn’t his entire fault our marriage ended. We both played our hands in its destruction.
I was still in my forties and hadn’t gotten rid of that chip on my shoulder regarding men, but that block of ice melted away when I met Sam. Believe it or not, I actually met him in a coffee shop of all places! As I was sitting at a table near the window of a Manhattan coffee shop one Tuesday in May, I saw this man gazing at me from the corner table smiling. He asked me what I was doing sitting all alone, and I replied, “Having coffee for one.” After a few minutes of flirtatious banter back and forth, we exchanged business cards and set a dinner date for the following Friday night. As I floated home from the café, I thought to myself, “Don’t let your guard down Rene”. But somewhere deep inside of me I felt that this was right, so I hopped home with a smile.
As we continued dating, my biggest fear of loving Sam back was him not loving me enough. My problem in the past had always been my insecurities, and they led me to ignore life’s problems and dive into my career. Loving Sam has taught me so many lessons, and brought me so much joy. Instead of teaching seven classes per week, I have cut down to four to enjoy walks in the park and picnics on the beach. When we have disagreements, I have learned to cope with my emotions and reach out to him for strength and encouragement. Together we’ve become unstoppable. The way I feel when I am with him compares to no other.
Two years have passed since that day in the café, and I stand now staring in the full length mirror of my room, gazing at my satin white dress weeping. Only this time around my tears aren’t that of a lonesome woman, they are filled with hope for our future. I never in my journey had thought I’d discover the happiness that I have found not only in Sam, but in myself. For the first time in my years I have finally found what love truly is. As the years drifted on I had become more confident in myself and I realized that to love another wholly, you must first learn to love yourself.
I was still in my forties and hadn’t gotten rid of that chip on my shoulder regarding men, but that block of ice melted away when I met Sam. Believe it or not, I actually met him in a coffee shop of all places! As I was sitting at a table near the window of a Manhattan coffee shop one Tuesday in May, I saw this man gazing at me from the corner table smiling. He asked me what I was doing sitting all alone, and I replied, “Having coffee for one.” After a few minutes of flirtatious banter back and forth, we exchanged business cards and set a dinner date for the following Friday night. As I floated home from the café, I thought to myself, “Don’t let your guard down Rene”. But somewhere deep inside of me I felt that this was right, so I hopped home with a smile.
As we continued dating, my biggest fear of loving Sam back was him not loving me enough. My problem in the past had always been my insecurities, and they led me to ignore life’s problems and dive into my career. Loving Sam has taught me so many lessons, and brought me so much joy. Instead of teaching seven classes per week, I have cut down to four to enjoy walks in the park and picnics on the beach. When we have disagreements, I have learned to cope with my emotions and reach out to him for strength and encouragement. Together we’ve become unstoppable. The way I feel when I am with him compares to no other.
Two years have passed since that day in the café, and I stand now staring in the full length mirror of my room, gazing at my satin white dress weeping. Only this time around my tears aren’t that of a lonesome woman, they are filled with hope for our future. I never in my journey had thought I’d discover the happiness that I have found not only in Sam, but in myself. For the first time in my years I have finally found what love truly is. As the years drifted on I had become more confident in myself and I realized that to love another wholly, you must first learn to love yourself.