*shrugs* simply, my life a year or so ago

[h0pskotcheroo]

console yourself, there are such things as happy endings.

i come home.
all is well, i am feeling fine.
i eat FIVE handfulls of pretzel goldfish
(don't try to cheat me, dirty b*tch)
northern exposure finishes.
i ready my self
so i can lay me down to sleep
i hop swiftly beneath my cool grey covers and snuggle deep


i turn on MY chemical romance
i forget myself
i think of love
slowly my limbs move as if they were no longer my own
i step away from my sheets
i move without thought to the bathroom
i tiptoe stand and snatch my toothbrush
i kneel
i plunge
i gag
I heave
all my eatings leave me
i stare at them pale and tasteless
i heave until the back of my throat burns
all the pizza, all the fish, all the everything
and i am empty
i am empty
but i am not content

"i have made you stronger"
i tell the mirror
but the girl in the mirror just cries
just SHUT
SHUT
SHUT THE F*CK UP
but i aint even mad
she and i, we know the truth
this is how it has to be
you know why, don't you?
why does any girl do it?

i swig the mouthwash and swish it
swish swish swish
all traces gone
down the tubes
i am clean
but i am not whole.

i don't have problems.
i have solutions.
this is me, fixing myself.

do you know why?
clue: it was valentine's day on monday.
i told myself, told myself
"i will make this day about friends"
and yet,
that didn't stop me from going home, crawling into bed
and crying a little
and dying a little
on the inside

i will never be loved -
i will never have the love that is shared between just two
no one wants me-
i don't want me.

most days i am resigned to this fate-
i float along, mildly content,
but during weeks like these
the pain instead becomes acute
i am missing a piece
i have no other half

and for my other half's sake -
i hope they never find me
because
they would be


disappointed.

[bamboo]

A Reply or My life...

i come home, i take off my mask (dont worry, the cliche bugs me aswell). luckily i live alone, so this is possible.

drearily i make food. i eat, huge amounts, cook makes 4-6 servings whilst i am but one. still, i am disturbingly gaunt, bony, to the point of uglyness, and I keep it all in.

it saddens me.

no-one could sympathise, they all ever just complain of being too fat, trying to get thinner. i am the other side. if i ever try to bring up the subject, purposefully in a lighthearted, disinterested tone, theyd say theyre jealous, they envy me....if only they knew.

i put on MY music, and it is no chemical romance. it is a sanctuary of goodness.
i switch on the pc, mindlessly play a stupid game, anything to escape reality.

there is a great emptiness in me, a gaping hole that will never be filled. time and time again i try to patch it with substitutes...to no avail.

i sneak into the bed, relishing those fleeting beautiful moments when the sheets are still ice-cold. where-ever my mind goes, there is only darkness. i think about the future, about the past, about the present; i think about relationships, or the lack thereof; i think about me.

inside, i yearn for that other half, that fellow soul, which in my dreams is somewhere out there, but in reality is only in my head. knowing that it is not to be - it would not work, i am too flawed.

nevertheless i am too weak to wish my other half not to find me, to selfish to grant them that freedom. i yearn for that crazy, impossible turn of fate that would have us meeting each other. it is wrong of me; as i, too, know that i will be a disappointment, and that would not be fair.



p.s. to the more normal amongst the readers:
excuse all the negativeness, but if life is not positive - then it is not positive.