Too Many Questions

[WishICouldShareThisWithHER]

Too many questions that I'll never have answered...so many things I wish I had the courage to say...
Do you know that everyday I think of you?
Are you aware of how I feel?
The feelings I shared with you that autumn evening have never wavered.
I fear they will never fade.
Do you know that you're the first person I think of each morning when I wake?
Do you know you're the last person I think of before I drift to sleep?
Could it ever be possible that someday you may dream of me the way that I dream of you?
Do you know how wonderful I think you are?
Amazing personality.
Astounding beauty.
The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
Sometimes I wonder if the attention and compliments I showered you with for those many months helped you or did it just make you want to get away from me?
Surely it was an ego boost.
Sometimes it seemed like you needed one.
Do you know how serious I was or do you think I was just playing with you?
Worse yet...do you think I was just looking for something physical?
Do you realize how badly I want to show you how much I care?
Will you ever know how bad I want there to be an "us?"
I know that will never happen.
I know that I will continue to dream of what life would be like with someone like you.
Someone so amazing.
Happiness will continue to elude me while I get to watch all your dreams come true in real time on that social network.
While I want to be happy for you the pain it brings me feels like it will never go away.
Even though its been months since you rejected me the pain is as raw as it was that day. The day I shouldn't have said anything.

[WishICouldShareThisWithHER]

I know this is long and crazy, but I'd appreciate it if you read it all. I didn't realize that I sent that last message to you exactly 2 years from when I totally embarrassed myself with you (11/6, I think it was). It wasn't on purpose... Probably subconsciously, but unintentional. It did get me thinking though... For a long time now I've wanted to send a note to say I'm so very sorry about making things uncomfortable and weird between us and that I'm very sorry we aren't really friends anymore. Before I messed it up, I felt like we had an awesome connection and true friendship (apart from my crush). N even thought so and often said so. I feel like you felt that way too. Maybe I'm wrong about that, idk? Maybe you liked my attention? Whatever it was, I ruined it...and by now I'm a memory, someone you've no doubt joked and rolled your eyes about w/your friends, family or L...maybe it's narcissistic to think that, idk? I guess I'm just so embarrassed by everything that I ever said and how I acted with you.
I guess I'm writing now because I wanted to apologize but also I wanted you to know WHY it happened. I believe you know some of this, but here's why I said, what I said:
Many years of verbal, emotional and sometimes even physical abuse by N, someone my therapist thinks is "more than likely bipolar" made me long for true happiness...falling in love with you was the result of that long term abuse and my wish to finally be happy. I think everybody deserves to be happy and I really hope someday, I am. You're one of the few people who witnessed small pieces of her behavior (how nasty & irrational she can be to me/about me, my family, and my friends), so I really hope you "got" where I was coming from. I do feel like you "got it." You were around for some of it, I think.
Also, I wanted to say I really am glad you found someone. I try to be happy for you. Sometimes that's really hard to do. Lol. I do hope we get to meet him someday.
I just wanted you to know and I hope you realize the way I have been treated and my long term unhappiness is why "it" happened. I'm not a creep, and I am not the "player" I was sometimes made out to be. I'd never talked to or "gushed" over anyone like I did with you (and let's face it, all the compliments and attention can be called "gushing."). Seeing such an AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL person so regularly (seriously-you are marry a doctor or lawyer pretty- and have an awesome personality on top of that) was why I fell SO hard. I was (well, I still am) just really unhappy and thought (well, I still think) you're absolutely amazing and telling you my feelings back then was worth a shot at true happiness...as remote of a chance it was. On one hand I wish I had never said anything, but at the same time I'm glad I had the courage to take a risk. I hope you can at least respect me for it. The biggest bummer 4 me is that I think if I were average h the result may have been different...Maybe not. I know a lot of mixed couples and hey, it's really not even that big of an age gap, so I had to try. I would have regretted it forever if I hadn't, more than I regret all of what happened and my embarassment.
I want you to know the year or so I got to spend seeing and texting you was the happiest I had been in many many years. Depressing, right? Please know that I was treated so poorly for so long that I completely dreaded going home each evening basically from 2006 (long before my feelings toward you started) up until the time I got to start hanging out with you in late 2011 & 2012. More than anything else I wanted you to know that FACT!
Thank you for always being so nice to me. I miss those days and I still miss seeing you. There is so much more I'd like to say to you ...I wish that someday I'd get the chance, but I doubt that will ever happen.
I hope you can always be friends with M and N too, and I'm doing my best to get over my feelings for you (2+ years later and I'm still stuck where I was back then, that's what unhappiness and emotional abuse, and hanging out with an awesome and beautiful girl does to u). I really hope we can be friends again too someday and that you'd be comfortable enough to reciprocate my friendship. Thanks for being so awesome and keeping my secrets. Pretty sure it'd be a marriage ender if N found out any of this...while I'm pretty sure divorce is inevitable I want to hold on as long as possible for M. N's always known and even encouraged my crush on you, but she's not aware of it's depth or duration.
I hope you understand & I hope you don't hate me or think I'm a total jerk. If I ever do get to be truly happy, I know it will be with someone a lot like you. For the last 3 years you've weighed so heavy in my thoughts each day. I don't know how long it will take me to escape that. Some days I wish it would stop, other days thoughts of you are what get me through. N has been making an effort to improve, she's on meds and is treating me better, but it's just so hard getting over so many years of abuse, constantly put down, being berated, etc. I am trying to get over my resentment. Hopefully, I can do it for M.
Anyway, take care and stay in touch.
<3 Always!
V
Ps you don't need to reply or say anything in response to this.
And finally here's a very appropriate quote I found:
"The only difference between your actions being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you." - Christopher Hudspeth
Guess that's true, right? Haha