Post by Elisha on May 20, 2003 22:35:40 GMT -5
I did it for him, because he wanted me to. I know that's no excuse. There is no excuse for my actions, and I wasn't trying to make one. I was only stating a fact, and the fact of the matter is I did it for him.
It was his idea. From the moment he found out to the moment I walked out of the clinic in tears, it was all his idea. When I told him the news, there was a look of hatred in his eyes that I will carry with me always. Like bottled venom.
I was standing in a deserted parking lot, where I had told him to meet me when his silver truck pulled in, kicking up gravel and dust behind it. I ran to the door and opened it with shaking hands, knowing there was no way I could bring myself to break this to my perfect angel, yet knowing I had to at the same time. There was no way I could back out of it now and besides, he had a right to know. I owed him that much at least.
His hair fell across his forehead in curling locks, glistening in the sunlight as if they had been dusted with gold. I saw every freckle standing out so clearly on his face as he leaned forward and kissed me. He was so beautiful, so pure, so perfect in every way and I was about to end all that forever. He smiled and looked at me as he started the truck.
"Now what was so important that I had to drive all the way across town to hear?"
I guess I must have looked as upset as I felt, because he stopped smiling then. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair away from my face.
"What is it? You know you can tell me, whatever it is. It will be fine, just tell me."
That's when I started to cry. All the tears that had built up since I found out came raining down suddenly, as if they would never stop. He pulled over and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him. I curled up next to his body and laid my head on his chest, the sobs choking out all the words I had rehearsed so carefully.
I don't know how long he held me like that, there in the silence of that pickup truck. I don't remember him speaking, maybe I was crying too hard to hear. I guess I'll never know.
When I finally sat up and dried my eyes the sun was just going down, and in the red glow pouring from the windows he looked like a god. For what must have been the millionth time, I wondered what someone as perfect as he was could see in a girl like me.
"Are you okay now?"
I was relieved he didn't ask me what was wrong again. If he had, I might have never said the words that came out of my mouth next.
"I'm going to have a baby."
Something dark moved over his face and for a moment I almost didn’t recognize him. I had never seen him look at me that way and I almost started bawling all over again.
" I can't have a baby." His voice was flat with no emotion.
Fury welled up inside of me, and my veins felt as if flames were running through them, burning out the pain that I felt and replacing it with anger. I had put myself through so much to tell him and all he can say is “I can’t have a baby.” As if I had a choice in the matter.
" Well evidently you can, and you're going to. I'm going to."
" But don't you see, I can’t. There’s just no way. How can this have happened?" And this time he was the one who was crying.
He was right; we couldn't have a baby. I was too good. He was too good, too perfect. This simply could not happen, and soon, because of him, it wouldn't have to.
I don't know why I let him talk me into it; maybe I just didn't want to deal with the whole situation when he had given me such an obvious way out. Mostly, I think it was because I could not bring myself to destroy his perfect life.
He was the one that drove me to the building where I would murder my soul and condemn both of us for life. I walked into the icy waiting room with his arm around my waist. He must have been trying to comfort me, but in my mind he was simply holding me there against my will, keeping me from running away like I wanted to so desperately.
The waiting room was empty and freezing cold. He walked up to the counter and gave the nurse the name he had made the appointment under. It was like I was somebody else. I was in another world, with another name, another mind, and I guy I didn’t know anymore. He had taken care of everything. That’s how perfect he was.
We took a seat and waited in silence until the door at the end of the room opened and the doctor called me inside to stop the tiny heart beating within me. It was over before I knew it I walked out, unaware of the tears sliding down my face.
We didn't speak at all on the drive home. I suppose he was thinking about what we had just done. I simply didn't have any words left. All the words I would have spoken before had just died in that little white room with a child I would never hold. It was like part of myself was murdered with my baby, and I knew that nothing would ever be the same again.
He leaned over and kissed me when we reached my driveway. It had none of the warmth I needed so much at that moment, the warmth that had always gotten me through before.
" Thanks for that," he whispered.
I closed my eyes and shook my head, reaching for the door. I stepped out into the sunlight and walked inside without looking back.
That night I lie awake drowning myself in tears and wishing to die before the sun rose. I went back to that waiting room a thousand times in those few painful hours that I lie there, sleepless among the pillows. Only this time I didn't go into that little room. This time I stayed in the truck. This time, I was the one who was so perfect.
Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning I made my decision. I couldn't live knowing I had taken a life so young and it seemed so clear what I had to do. It was perfect, and I would be perfect too, just like he was.
The wind blew through my hair, as I stood alone in the parking lot, waiting for him again. I looked up into colorless sky and felt the first few drops of rain upon my face. It began to rain harder as he pulled up, but this time I didn’t get in. I just stood there in the rain with my hand behind my back. He got out and walked over to where I was standing.
He was perfect as usual and for a moment I almost forgot what I had come to do. Looking into those clear, bottomless eyes I forgot almost everything I had ever known. Everything except for what I had become, what we had both become.
" I know it hurts babe, but you did the right thing." I could tell by the look in his eyes that even he did not believe it.
I brought my hand from behind my back and his eyes widened in disbelief. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could I pulled the trigger and his body crumpled before me. I stood there for a moment, gazing at his beautiful form lying there in a mixture of raindrops and his own blood. I knelt and brushed a lock of hair from his face. He was so perfect and now he would be perfect forever.
I put the cool steel to my own temple and squeezed. There was a blinding flash and an ear-splitting roar, and then I was splayed out on top of him in the gravel. We were together. Together in that little white room, a heart beating somewhere off in the distance, and I was perfect too.
It was his idea. From the moment he found out to the moment I walked out of the clinic in tears, it was all his idea. When I told him the news, there was a look of hatred in his eyes that I will carry with me always. Like bottled venom.
I was standing in a deserted parking lot, where I had told him to meet me when his silver truck pulled in, kicking up gravel and dust behind it. I ran to the door and opened it with shaking hands, knowing there was no way I could bring myself to break this to my perfect angel, yet knowing I had to at the same time. There was no way I could back out of it now and besides, he had a right to know. I owed him that much at least.
His hair fell across his forehead in curling locks, glistening in the sunlight as if they had been dusted with gold. I saw every freckle standing out so clearly on his face as he leaned forward and kissed me. He was so beautiful, so pure, so perfect in every way and I was about to end all that forever. He smiled and looked at me as he started the truck.
"Now what was so important that I had to drive all the way across town to hear?"
I guess I must have looked as upset as I felt, because he stopped smiling then. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair away from my face.
"What is it? You know you can tell me, whatever it is. It will be fine, just tell me."
That's when I started to cry. All the tears that had built up since I found out came raining down suddenly, as if they would never stop. He pulled over and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him. I curled up next to his body and laid my head on his chest, the sobs choking out all the words I had rehearsed so carefully.
I don't know how long he held me like that, there in the silence of that pickup truck. I don't remember him speaking, maybe I was crying too hard to hear. I guess I'll never know.
When I finally sat up and dried my eyes the sun was just going down, and in the red glow pouring from the windows he looked like a god. For what must have been the millionth time, I wondered what someone as perfect as he was could see in a girl like me.
"Are you okay now?"
I was relieved he didn't ask me what was wrong again. If he had, I might have never said the words that came out of my mouth next.
"I'm going to have a baby."
Something dark moved over his face and for a moment I almost didn’t recognize him. I had never seen him look at me that way and I almost started bawling all over again.
" I can't have a baby." His voice was flat with no emotion.
Fury welled up inside of me, and my veins felt as if flames were running through them, burning out the pain that I felt and replacing it with anger. I had put myself through so much to tell him and all he can say is “I can’t have a baby.” As if I had a choice in the matter.
" Well evidently you can, and you're going to. I'm going to."
" But don't you see, I can’t. There’s just no way. How can this have happened?" And this time he was the one who was crying.
He was right; we couldn't have a baby. I was too good. He was too good, too perfect. This simply could not happen, and soon, because of him, it wouldn't have to.
I don't know why I let him talk me into it; maybe I just didn't want to deal with the whole situation when he had given me such an obvious way out. Mostly, I think it was because I could not bring myself to destroy his perfect life.
He was the one that drove me to the building where I would murder my soul and condemn both of us for life. I walked into the icy waiting room with his arm around my waist. He must have been trying to comfort me, but in my mind he was simply holding me there against my will, keeping me from running away like I wanted to so desperately.
The waiting room was empty and freezing cold. He walked up to the counter and gave the nurse the name he had made the appointment under. It was like I was somebody else. I was in another world, with another name, another mind, and I guy I didn’t know anymore. He had taken care of everything. That’s how perfect he was.
We took a seat and waited in silence until the door at the end of the room opened and the doctor called me inside to stop the tiny heart beating within me. It was over before I knew it I walked out, unaware of the tears sliding down my face.
We didn't speak at all on the drive home. I suppose he was thinking about what we had just done. I simply didn't have any words left. All the words I would have spoken before had just died in that little white room with a child I would never hold. It was like part of myself was murdered with my baby, and I knew that nothing would ever be the same again.
He leaned over and kissed me when we reached my driveway. It had none of the warmth I needed so much at that moment, the warmth that had always gotten me through before.
" Thanks for that," he whispered.
I closed my eyes and shook my head, reaching for the door. I stepped out into the sunlight and walked inside without looking back.
That night I lie awake drowning myself in tears and wishing to die before the sun rose. I went back to that waiting room a thousand times in those few painful hours that I lie there, sleepless among the pillows. Only this time I didn't go into that little room. This time I stayed in the truck. This time, I was the one who was so perfect.
Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning I made my decision. I couldn't live knowing I had taken a life so young and it seemed so clear what I had to do. It was perfect, and I would be perfect too, just like he was.
The wind blew through my hair, as I stood alone in the parking lot, waiting for him again. I looked up into colorless sky and felt the first few drops of rain upon my face. It began to rain harder as he pulled up, but this time I didn’t get in. I just stood there in the rain with my hand behind my back. He got out and walked over to where I was standing.
He was perfect as usual and for a moment I almost forgot what I had come to do. Looking into those clear, bottomless eyes I forgot almost everything I had ever known. Everything except for what I had become, what we had both become.
" I know it hurts babe, but you did the right thing." I could tell by the look in his eyes that even he did not believe it.
I brought my hand from behind my back and his eyes widened in disbelief. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could I pulled the trigger and his body crumpled before me. I stood there for a moment, gazing at his beautiful form lying there in a mixture of raindrops and his own blood. I knelt and brushed a lock of hair from his face. He was so perfect and now he would be perfect forever.
I put the cool steel to my own temple and squeezed. There was a blinding flash and an ear-splitting roar, and then I was splayed out on top of him in the gravel. We were together. Together in that little white room, a heart beating somewhere off in the distance, and I was perfect too.
