Post by Elisha on May 19, 2003 16:48:37 GMT -5
I sat there with the steering wheel between my hands and a feeling of absolute terror running through every fiber of my being. This wasn't happening, it wasn't happening, it was NOT happening. It couldn't possibly be. But it was all the same.
I let my head drop to the wheel with a thud, leaving a red mark across my forehead. I sat like that for a few seconds and then lifted my head back up and banged it again a few times to make the situation go away. It didn't. I was still sitting there in that parking lot reliving every detail of that eventful little night.
All the things that mattered before, my home, my job, my life, might very well have been demolished in a single night. The only things I had for sure were my car, a duffel bag full of clothes, a bank account and, a little bag of white powder.
The clear plastic bag was still lying on the passenger seat; I hadn't touched it since the guy put it in my hand. I gave him the money and immediately threw it in the seat beside me, as if sin from the shiny plastic was going to rub off on me and sink into my skin.
I looked at it now, in the moonlight streaming in from the windows. The powder inside gleamed white as snow, and it looked so fresh, so pure and clean and d**n it all, so beautiful I could hardly believe it was poison.
Why on earth was I even here? I could leave now, I could. It was so easy; all I would have to do was turn the key and drive off. Drop that evil package out the window into the gravel and drive. It didn't even matter where I was driving to as long as it was as far as possible from that dark parking lot outside of the filthy hotel.
I wanted to so bad, I must have turned that key a million times in the half hour or so that I waited in that deserted little driveway. I'll never know exactly why I stayed, maybe it was because I had already gotten so far into the whole mess it seemed stupid to back out when I was almost finished. I had already bought the merchandise, and I was at the hotel. I had already left my whole world behind. Now the only thing left to do was to wait for Bobby.
I was going crazy waiting for him already and only twenty-three minutes had gone by. Every second stabbed like a thousand knives. My heart was beating so fast I thought a million fireworks would stream from my chest any minute. It seemed unfair to complain about a few minutes when he had waited so long for me to come around.
He had been working on me for months, trying to get me to leave with him. Finally I got tired of saying no when part of me wanted to say yes so badly. Agreeing to go was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Finally I heard his brother's slow, sputtering engine somewhere behind me, and the crunch of gravel beneath the tires. I never turned around or even looked up, but I heard the door slam shut and the truck drove off. And then he was there, at the window and suddenly I forgot to breathe.
"Hey babe, sorry I'm late."
His smile made me melt inside and all the tension that had been building up that night slipped away until all I could do was smile back.
"It's fine, you ready?"
All my anger, my fear, and all the tears I had shed over my condemned soul that night was dismissed with those four words. Picking up my little package, I stepped out of the car into his waiting arms and we together walked into the dirty hotel room. Briefly, I wondered what kind of place we would be walking into the next night.
The door closed and there was only he and I. He smiled at me again and I knew then that he would be the end of the girl I used to be, and the beginning of the girl I had become that night.
And maybe he would also be the end of that girl as well, but I no longer cared. The only things I cared about in the world were he and that little plastic bag.
I let my head drop to the wheel with a thud, leaving a red mark across my forehead. I sat like that for a few seconds and then lifted my head back up and banged it again a few times to make the situation go away. It didn't. I was still sitting there in that parking lot reliving every detail of that eventful little night.
All the things that mattered before, my home, my job, my life, might very well have been demolished in a single night. The only things I had for sure were my car, a duffel bag full of clothes, a bank account and, a little bag of white powder.
The clear plastic bag was still lying on the passenger seat; I hadn't touched it since the guy put it in my hand. I gave him the money and immediately threw it in the seat beside me, as if sin from the shiny plastic was going to rub off on me and sink into my skin.
I looked at it now, in the moonlight streaming in from the windows. The powder inside gleamed white as snow, and it looked so fresh, so pure and clean and d**n it all, so beautiful I could hardly believe it was poison.
Why on earth was I even here? I could leave now, I could. It was so easy; all I would have to do was turn the key and drive off. Drop that evil package out the window into the gravel and drive. It didn't even matter where I was driving to as long as it was as far as possible from that dark parking lot outside of the filthy hotel.
I wanted to so bad, I must have turned that key a million times in the half hour or so that I waited in that deserted little driveway. I'll never know exactly why I stayed, maybe it was because I had already gotten so far into the whole mess it seemed stupid to back out when I was almost finished. I had already bought the merchandise, and I was at the hotel. I had already left my whole world behind. Now the only thing left to do was to wait for Bobby.
I was going crazy waiting for him already and only twenty-three minutes had gone by. Every second stabbed like a thousand knives. My heart was beating so fast I thought a million fireworks would stream from my chest any minute. It seemed unfair to complain about a few minutes when he had waited so long for me to come around.
He had been working on me for months, trying to get me to leave with him. Finally I got tired of saying no when part of me wanted to say yes so badly. Agreeing to go was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Finally I heard his brother's slow, sputtering engine somewhere behind me, and the crunch of gravel beneath the tires. I never turned around or even looked up, but I heard the door slam shut and the truck drove off. And then he was there, at the window and suddenly I forgot to breathe.
"Hey babe, sorry I'm late."
His smile made me melt inside and all the tension that had been building up that night slipped away until all I could do was smile back.
"It's fine, you ready?"
All my anger, my fear, and all the tears I had shed over my condemned soul that night was dismissed with those four words. Picking up my little package, I stepped out of the car into his waiting arms and we together walked into the dirty hotel room. Briefly, I wondered what kind of place we would be walking into the next night.
The door closed and there was only he and I. He smiled at me again and I knew then that he would be the end of the girl I used to be, and the beginning of the girl I had become that night.
And maybe he would also be the end of that girl as well, but I no longer cared. The only things I cared about in the world were he and that little plastic bag.
